Why "Helping" isn’t the same as Partnering.

There is a specific, highly advanced kind of tired that sleep cannot cure. No matter how many naps I try to sneak into my day, it just does not budge! Anyone feel the same??

I have narrowed this down to the exhaustion of holding an entire family’s ecosystem in your head while simultaneously trying to remember if you replied to a friend's WhatsApp they sent two weeks ago (I still haven't), where you put your keys, and whether the dog has been fed.

Lately, as I prepare to go back to work after maternity leave - navigating the absolute minefield of nursery wait-lists and remembering to register Olive for government childcare funding - my brain has felt less like a functioning human organ and more like an internet browser with 74 tabs open, 3 of them frozen, and music playing from somewhere but I don’t know where.

To the outside world, we are "managing it all." But behind every smoothly run family schedule is a mam whose brain is constantly running a high-stakes, 3D simulation of the next 72 hours.

And here’s the uncomfortable truth we need to talk about: modern dads are doing more physical labour than ever, but if they aren't sharing the mental load, they aren't actually closing the gap. In fact, they might be adding to it.

Enter the "Fun Dad" (and His Work Phone)

Let's look at my husband, Chris. Chris is an absolute force of nature. He works incredibly hard to provide for us, and when he is "on," he is the most fun, loving, devoted dad you could ask for. He will play cars with Oak, run around the garden with the football, and make Olive and Oak laugh with silly voices and games.

But Chris - bless his hardworking, multitasking soul - is also a classic victim of the "work-distracted brain."

You know the look. He’s physically in the room, but his eyes are slightly glazed over because he is mentally drafting a voice note to his team or solving a major crisis at his job. And while he is incredibly willing to step in and do the physical labour when asked, he often needs a loving, yet firm, kick up the butt to actually see what needs doing before I have to point it out.

Because lets be real, there is a massive difference between executing a task and owning a project.

True partnership isn't just about packing the going-out bag; it’s about anticipating, disaster planning, and thinking three steps ahead.

When Chris steps in to help but relies on me to do all the pre-game strategy, he’s not working as a co-manager. He’s working as my well-meaning assistant.

• The Execution (What Chris sees): Putting the kids in the car. for a trip out somewhere. Most of the time it's easy, right? As long as we have "the bag"

• The Cognitive (What's running through my head after packing said bag): Have we got the iPad just in case? Do they have their dummies? Have I brought a spare to avoid a nuclear meltdown? Are we eating out or do I need food for them? It's hot, does Oak have his hat? sunscreen? What if he gets car sick again, do I have a change of clothes and a bag for him to spew in? Is there a chance we may visit someone? Do I need to bring PJs? Am I breastfeeding all day or do I need to bring some formula to give myself a break? Will that be frowned upon? Are the bottles sterilised? Is Olive about to have a nap? Is the journey long enough? If we are eating out, what happens with the stuff I have for tea, do I need to freeze the chicken now... but wait, everyone's in my car - have I actually charged it?!?!?!

And this is just one outing - there's a lot more flying off in that head of mine before we've even left the house! This may seem excessive to some, but it is genuinely what goes through my head. Chris is so laid back he could be horizonal and is usually in the mindset of - try not to over think it, there is nothing we cant sort when we are out. (Wish I could be more like him, and I do agree but sometimes you have to be a little more realistic.) There is a brilliant episode of Bluey called "The Pool" you might want to watch together LOL!

But its not really about what we can sort out when we are out if things go wrong, its about sharing the mental load of doing a task. For example, if Chris kindly offers to feed Olive but immediately follows it up with, "Where is the bib? What is she actually eating? Where do you keep that? Is this spoon clean?" - he hasn't actually saved me any energy. He has just outsourced the physical movement of the spoon while my brain still had to run the logistics. It's like having an intern who needs constant supervision.

Why "Just Tell Me What to Do" Makes My Eye Twitch

It is the phrase that has launched a thousand maternal eye-rolls: "Just tell me what needs doing and I’ll do it, babe!"

On the surface, it sounds incredibly sweet. In reality, it is a massive delegation of responsibility.

When your partner asks you to assign them tasks, they are assigning you the role of Project Manager. They are putting the burden of noticing, planning, prioritising, and assigning on your shoulders.

• It means I have to be the one to notice the toilet paper is low.

• It means I have to remember when to pay the nursery.

• It means I have to spend my evenings calculating how to stretch our budget to cover my last months of unpaid maternity.

Basically, when we need to manage another adult in order to get help with our own children, it doesn't lighten the load - it just adds "Staff Management" to our already overflowing to-do list.

So, how do we fix it? Rather than implode (which is very much my personality, poor Chris) I had to stop, think about all of the above and position it to Chris in a way he would understand and wouldn't end up in argument - I simply asked him for "help" by taking some cognitive ownership. Before you ask a question. , is this something you can solve yourself.

True equality in parenting isn't about dividing the physical chores exactly 50/50. It’s about dividing the mental domains. It takes time and there will be slip ups (which I have had to teach myself to react differently too, as admittedly my hormonal reactions are part of the problem).. but its worth it in the long run. - Side note, if you haven't read "The life changing magic of not giving a f**k" - by Sarah Knight, I highly recommend you do - her "f**k bucket" has saved us a few times - IYKYK :)

Back to business, if we decided that Chris owns "dinner," tonight, he doesn't just cook. he meal plans, checks the fridge, writes the shopping list (which I am still happy to shop for), and makes sure we aren't out of milk. If he own "nursery logistics," he is the ones tracking the wait-lists and doing the admin. Chris and I have adopted this strategy and it is genuinely working, with the odd kick up the bum ; ). He now understands if he just gets on with it, I feel like less of a Mam to him and more like his wife, a true partnership! So have the conversation, tell them how you're feeling and put a plan in place!!

To the mams who are currently staring at the ceiling at 3:00 AM mentally preparing this week's meals or waiting for your baby to wake up for a feed while their loving, hardworking, "fun dad" partners are peacefully snoring beside them: your exhaustion is valid.

You aren't tired because of the physical work. You are tired because you are carrying the entire future of your family in your head. It’s time to hand over some of the strategy, not just the chores - even if it takes a little kick up the butt to get the message across. :)

Jen xx